In today’s fast-paced world, parents of young children often find themselves grappling with the question, “Is my child doing too many extracurricular activities?” Balancing a child’s schedule with various after-school pursuits is no easy task, but it’s an important aspect of their overall development. Here I will explore this topic and discuss the keys to striking the right balance for your child.
The Extracurricular Dilemma
A lot of parents today are eager to provide their children with diverse experiences to enhance their skills, socialise, and pave the way for future success. From team sports and music lessons to academic clubs and community clubs, even in the early years of primary school, the options these days can seem endless. However, it’s essential to ask whether these activities leave enough room in the week for free time and rest, both critical components of a child’s development.
The Importance of Free Play
One of the biggest problems is that parents feel a lot of pressure these days to sign even very young kids up for an array of after-school and weekend activities (more on this later). However, amidst a sea of structured activities outside of school hours, the value of free play should not be underestimated. Free play allows children to explore their interests, develop creativity, and learn to navigate social situations independently. It’s a good thing for a child to have the freedom to choose how they spend some (or even a lot of) of their time, fostering a sense of autonomy and decision-making.
Allowing enough time for free play at home also fosters the incredibly important skill in children of learning to be happy in their own company, as well as essential social skills when they are ‘free-playing’ with their siblings.
Striking the Right Balance
Finding the right balance between structured activities and unstructured free time is key. Too many activities can lead to a busy schedule, leaving little room for rest, free time and family time, the latter of which is crucial for bonding and understanding each other. Parents today need to try not to bow to social pressure, and be mindful of not overscheduling their children, always considering the child’s point of view and respecting their limits and boundaries.
The Role of Parents
As the primary caregivers, parents play a pivotal role in guiding their children’s extracurricular involvement. It’s important to be a role model for healthy time management, demonstrating the balance between work, household chores, and leisure activities. In other words, the balance between what a family member has to do and what they would like to do. Children need to learn that quality time spent with family members can be just as enriching as organised activities.
The Impact on Mental Health: Observe Your Child and Let Them Lead
A recent article in Psychology Today highlights the potential negative impacts of overscheduled kids:
The pressure to excel in various activities, coupled with the increasingly high, competitive standards set by today’s parents and society, can contribute to heightened levels of anxiety in school-age children. It’s essential for parents to consider the long-term effects on their child’s mental health when making decisions about their extracurricular involvement. Of course, depending on the child, it can be quite difficult to tell whether or not a child is suffering from too many extra-curricular activities.
It is clear that my son, aged five, is coping no problem playing football three times a week on top of other clubs and activities after school and at weekends, as well as staying the night at my mother-in-law’s most Friday nights. It’s obvious through his behaviour, consistently solid sleep every night and general demeanor, that he is happy and thriving with this busy schedule.
When it comes to my seven-year-old daughter, things aren’t quite so simple. Due to the pandemic and our preferred parenting style, for years my husband and I kept our children’s routines very rigid and very sparse when it came to scheduled activities outside of nursery and school. This is the first academic year that either of them has done more than two after-school activities during the week after school, as well as a weekend activity.
This year my daughter has activities after school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and goes to my mother-in-law most Fridays overnight. She then does an hour and a half’s climbing lesson on a Saturday morning. While this schedule isn’t nearly as busy as that of some seven-year-olds I’m sure, I can tell that this term she has been absolutely exhausted. This has coincided with her generally being quite difficult (mainly in the form of being negative and argumentative) as well as being a nightmare to get up and get ready for school in the mornings (it really is like trying to scrape a teenager out of bed at the moment).
I can’t help but wonder whether the two things are linked. While I put some of this new, unwanted behaviour down to development, I put a lot of it down to the fact that, for her, she is currently overscheduled. Although she’s two years older than her brother, she gets tired and irritable more easily, and if I’m honest probably needs to be in bed earlier than him. Not easy to navigate when she’s fiercely trying to establish her independence!
Once children are doing an array of extracurricular activities, it can be quite difficult to pull them out of them. It’s hard to get a straight answer out of my daughter at the moment as to whether she is genuinely enjoying something or not. One day she tells me she hates choir, the next, she loves it. This is just how it is with her at the moment. One thing for sure is that she will not entertain the idea of dropping anything. This makes me think I need to be very careful before signing her up for any activities next half term, and potentially massively limit how much she does.
Keep communicating with your child about their extra-curricular activities, even if you sometimes can’t get a straight answer out of them. A sudden change in their behaviour and demeanour, as we are currently experiencing with my daughter, might be enough to tell you they’re doing too much. And if they’re in the right mood, they might even tell you themselves!
Don’t Underestimate What Makes Your Child Tired
While this post is primarily about extra-curricular activities and whether your child might be doing too many, I also wanted to ask you to consider other aspects of your child’s life that might be making them over-tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated… over-everything really.
For example, while my husband and I love our Friday nights when the children stay overnight at his mum’s house, I know just how tiring it can be for them, especially for my daughter.
Just like adults, all children are different. Some will take a sleepover at a friend’s house or a grandparent’s house once a week in stride, while others might not cope so well with one night a week not in their own bed. If you take a step back and really think about what your child’s week looks like, you might realise there are some established routines that are overwhelming your child, or making them feel overtired that aren’t necessarily scheduled extra-curricular activities.
Some weeks, I will tell my husband and my mother-in-law that the children are staying at home because they need a rest. I can usually tell if this needs to happen just by looking at them on a Thursday evening.
Don’t underestimate how completely exhausting school can be for them, and don’t be afraid to move around your child’s schedule or rip it up entirely if you feel they have too much on outside of school.
If they’re just not getting enough downtime, you can pull them out of clubs (although this might not be popular with our child!), cancel playdates and sleepovers, and even cancel a regular family meet-up or family meals if you need to. It’s okay to say no! Your child’s well-being is the priority, and if you think they’re overscheduled and not coping, then something needs to change.
Helicopter Parenting and Social Pressure
In today’s competitive world, there’s so much social pressure on parents to ensure their children are engaged in a lot of activities even in their first years of primary school. I admit that even I have felt that pang of pressure when I hear about all the activities other people’s kids are doing that mine aren’t. Fortunately, we live in a very laid-back area of Manchester in a lovely community of like-minded families, where parents don’t tend to excessively compare their kids. Our children attend the local state primary school which has a relaxed and friendly approach to education without ever piling on the pressure.
However, not all neighbourhoods and schools are like this, and it has to be faced that too much parental direction and attention may inadvertently lead to helicopter parenting and stressed, unhappy kids. It’s much more difficult to accept that your child may be seriously overscheduled if you live in a neighbourhood that’s populated with helicopter parents and pushy, competitive schools that might encourage it. It’s important to put your kid first, and think about what’s best for them, rather than trying to push them into doing all sorts of activities they’re not coping with with just to feel like you’re keeping up with everyone else.
Lessons from Previous Generations and Prioritising Playdates
Back in the day, there was less of everything. The majority of families didn’t own a car, so the idea of doing any extra-curricular activities involving a drive away was simply impossible. The idea for many families of paying for clubs and music lessons was also impossible; they simply couldn’t afford it. And if they did pay, it would certainly only be for one lesson or class a week.
My mum grew up in Jesmond in Newcastle in the 1950s and 1960s. She told me that as children, she and her three brothers spent the majority of their time at school, at home, or in the park. They went to the park every single day, for ‘the family walk’. As a teenager my mother went to the local amateur dramatics centre which she loved, and she had ballet lessons from a young age. But that was about it. When she reflects back on her childhood she always says to me, “I can’t describe to you how little we all did compared to families these days,” and then of course describes how wonderful it all was.
Family relationships thrived, and children had the freedom to explore their interests at their own pace back then. Children made their own fun and entertainment when they played out with each other in the street. People of past generations remember this so fondly, and from their recollections, these often seem to be the times they describe being happiest as children, and no doubt learning a great deal about other people and society as well. What an education!
While playing out in the street together isn’t so easy for children these days, I often look enviously at those scenes and photographs from the time when children did. If there’s ever something I will try and prioritise in my children’s schedule most weeks, it’s a playdate with friends. For me, this is one of the most valuable out-of-school activities you can give a child, and one that should be prioritised above almost everything else.
Conclusion
While extracurricular activities can contribute to a child’s development, it’s essential to consider the overall well-being of the child. Striking the right balance between structured activities and free play, respecting a child’s boundaries, and fostering a sense of security are among the most important things a parent can do for their child.
In the long run, the only thing that matters is the child’s feeling of fulfilment and happiness. If they feel happy and fulfilled doing an extra-curricular activity every day of the week before spending the weekend at their grandparents’ house, that’s great. But this won’t be the case for all children.
So, the next time you’re considering enrolling your child in another activity, pause and ask yourself: Does this contribute to their overall well-being? Is there enough room for quality family time? Are they coping with everything? Are they thriving? Finding the right balance is the key to better outcomes, not just academically, but in shaping well-rounded, happy individuals who will be ready for the real world when they have to get out there and face it.