At times, parenting can feel like an incredible journey filled with joy, love, and fulfilment. However, there are so many times when it can feel completely overwhelming and exhausting, whatever the age of the children, leading to intolerable emotional and physical exhaustion. This is extremely common and often described as parental burnout.
In this blog post, I will explore the various aspects of parental exhaustion, identify risk factors, and discuss effective coping strategies to help you navigate this challenging terrain that can feel never-ending. From the first weeks of pregnancy through to the demands of raising older children and teenagers, this guide covers essential tips for maintaining your physical and emotional well-being.
Understanding Parental Burnout
Parental burnout is a state of chronic physical and emotional fatigue that arises from the demands of caring for children. It can affect individuals at any stage of parenthood, from the early days of pregnancy to the challenges of raising older children. Identifying the risk factors and recognising the signs early on is crucial for maintaining a healthy family life.
Principal Risk Factors for Parental Burnout
Lack of Sleep: Sleep deprivation is a common cause of parental exhaustion. The first weeks of pregnancy, the postpartum period, and the demands of caring for a newborn often disrupt sleep patterns, contributing to severe fatigue.
Emotional Distance: Feeling emotionally distant from your family can be a sign of burnout. The pressures of daily life, combined with the responsibility of parenting, may lead to a sense of detachment from your children and partner.
Chronic Stress: Chronic stress, whether related to work, finances, or family dynamics, can contribute to parental burnout. Identifying and addressing stressors is essential for maintaining emotional health.
Lack of Support: Parents who lack a strong support network may be more prone to burnout. Having trusted friends, family members, or another form of support group can provide emotional and practical assistance.
Health Problems: Ongoing medical suffered by parents can exacerbate parental exhaustion. Seeking medical advice and appropriate treatment is crucial for managing these conditions.
Coping Strategies for Parental Exhaustion
First Things First: Prioritising Self-Care
1. Try to Get Enough Sleep: It can be easier said than done, especially in the early days of caring for a baby, but try to establish healthy sleep habits early on. Take naps when possible, especially during the postpartum period (the age-old advice of ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ really is a good idea if you can manage it) and consider sharing nighttime responsibilities with a partner. New mothers who are exclusively breastfeeding are likely to feel that extra weight of exhaustion and responsibility and should be encouraged by their partner, family members or friends to take short breaks away from the baby to implement self-care whenever possible.
2. Establish a Support Network: Connect with other parents facing similar challenges through support groups. This could be in the form of local baby groups, playgroups, and other local sessions for new parents. Sharing experiences and advice can provide a sense of community and reduce feelings of isolation. If you don’t have family members living nearby, try to establish a routine of having regular video calls with them.
3. Take Regular Rests: Even as children grow older, try to incorporate short breaks into your daily routine to recharge. Even a few minutes of deep breathing or a brief walk can have positive effects on your energy levels. Every parent is different when it comes to activities that help them to relax and recharge. Some people need to lie down with an eye mask and earplugs to feel like they’re getting a rest (myself included).
Other people might choose never to nap during the day, but prefer to relax by reading a book or doing something meditative such as knitting, playing a board game with other players online or doing a jigsaw puzzle. High-octane/high-energy people might prefer to go for a brisk walk or a run to feel like they’re getting a break from the stresses of parenting. Whatever it is, every parent needs to find something that helps them to quickly feel more relaxed and rested during those snatches of time they can carve out for self-care during incredibly busy days.
4. Limit Your Use of Your Mobile Phones and Other Devices: Adults these days are so wedded to their mobile phones that it’s often the first thing they reach for whenever they do catch a few minutes break from their kids. Burying your head in a screen during your precious moments of free time to read a never-ending stream of news headlines or scroll through your social media feeds isn’t good for your mental health. If you know you do this, try getting tough with yourself and keep your phone somewhere out of sight where you won’t be tempted to constantly pick it. Keep it on ‘loud’ if you’re worried about missing important calls, and only allow yourself to check and respond to emails and messages a certain times of the day. If you spend your precious snatches of free time doing something to prioritise self-care that doesn’t involve a screen, you will feel much better for it.
5. Practice Good Nutrition: Maintain a healthy diet rich in essential nutrients. If you’re really struggling with physical fatigue and just not feeling very healthy, consider consulting a nutritionist for personalized advice, especially during pregnancy and postpartum periods when essential vitamins, minerals and nutrients in the body can be lacking or unbalanced.
6. Consider Professional Help: If you are experiencing severe physical or mental fatigue, suspect a medical condition, or are feeling depressed, consult with your healthcare provider. Parenting can be unbelievably hard no matter what age your children are, and seeking professional help for physical and mental health problems at an early stage is crucial for long-term well-being.
7. Exercise Regularly: Engaging in regular physical activity can really help to boost your energy levels and reduce stress. Even small things like taking a short walk or doing light stretches can make a significant difference, and if you can do more than this, then that’s even better. Getting enough exercise is often one of the first things to go out of the window when people become parents, and it’s often the last thing they want to do when they’re exhausted. However, it’s so important for parents to force themselves to gradually establish an exercise routine soon after the birth of a baby, as it’s easy to quickly fall out of the habit. It then it becomes much harder to establish a routine in the long run.
As a stay-at-home parent for the last seven years, I can honestly say that properly exercising at least three times a week has had the biggest effect on my physical and emotional health. Here’s my post about how to fit in exercise when you have young children that you may find helpful: https://www.enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/post/how-to-fit-in-exercise-when-you-have- young-kids
8. Stay Hydrated: So many parents don’t drink enough during the day, and if they do drink a lot, it’s often highly caffeinated drinks such as tea or coffee. Try to drink plenty of water and fluids throughout the day to stay hydrated and maintain optimal health. Avoid excessive consumption of caffeinated drinks, as they may negatively impact your sleep. If you do drink a lot of caffeine, try and keep it to the morning/early afternoon and avoid it completely later in the afternoon and in the evenings.
9. Foster Emotional Health: Address negative thoughts and emotions by spending time with a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. Recognise the importance of your emotional well-being in maintaining a healthy family life, and try to address it as early as possible if you’re struggling. If you are parenting with a partner, regularly sit down with them so you can check in with each other regarding your mental and physical health and well-being. If either of you is struggling, try to identify the areas of family life or work life that you’re finding hardest. Writing down a list can be helpful here. You may find that small tweaks and changes to the family’s routines or an individual’s routines can go a long way to helping combat some of the stress and exhaustion you are feeling.
10. Delegate Responsibilities: Wherever possible, share childcare responsibilities with your partner, family members, and childcare providers. Recognise that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It really does take a village to raise a child, and the more that childcare responsibilities can be shared out among competent, caring adults, the less parents will feel that sensation of parental burnout.
As a stay-at-home parent whose husband works long days during the week, I know that I feel at my most desperate during the weeks when I feel the burden of the childcare is all on me. I’ve come to realise that the weeks when I’m more or less on my own with our children can leave me feeling exhausted, isolated, overwhelmed and burned out. As soon as my husband has a lighter week at work and is around more, or the children go off to my mother-in-law’s for a sleepover, I feel almost immediate relief.
If you don’t have any family members nearby to help with childcare, consider clubbing together with other families to see if you can help look after each other’s kids sometimes. Looking after children is incredibly hard work, and shared responsibility for childcare can go a long way to protecting everyone’s mental health and well-being.
As children get older, extra stresses for the family can result from increased pressures at school in the form of homework and exams. While it’s wonderful for those parents of children who are happy to get on with their schoolwork by themselves (and I believe these children do exist?!) unfortunately that isn’t always the reality; a lot of them will need significant amounts of help over the years. It’s important for all the responsibility not to fall on the shoulders of one parent, and couples should regularly sit down together to review and delegate tasks relating to the children and their schoolwork in a way that feels fair and manageable for everyone.
If you are a single parent, you could consider singing children and teenagers up to homework clubs at school or asking a friend or family member to come and sit with them once or twice a week to help with schoolwork, especially if they are struggling in any areas. Perhaps you know someone who has particular expertise in a subject area they could help your child with as they get older and the demands of schoolwork increase.
If finances allow, parents could also consider hiring a tutor to help get their children through schoolwork and exam preparation to take pressure off a bit. Children often work better for an adult who isn’t their parent (this is definitely true when it comes to my daughter and her schoolwork) which is another reason why it’s a good idea to try and engage other adults in homework activities.
11. Pace Yourself: Understand that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. While the years of looking after babies and children can at times feel endless and daunting, try to pace yourself and recognise the importance of balance in managing your energy levels to avoid burnout. Do whatever you can to try and catch a break from the stresses of family life both physically and mentally and experiment with different activities and routines. You might find making even small changes, such as getting up half an hour earlier than usual in the mornings to do some exercise or practise some yoga or meditation, could make a huge difference to your life.
12. Maintain your social life: It’s difficult to get out much when caring for a baby (especially in the evenings), and new parents are often so exhausted they don’t even feel like doing much socialising even if they could. However, the baby phase doesn’t last long and as with exercise, parents need to try and reestablish a social life for themselves as soon as possible.
It’s equally important for couples and single parents to feel they can start going out sometimes in the evenings to spend time with each other or with friends away from their kids. Whether they spend the whole evening talking about their kids is entirely up to them (personally I would recommend trying not to) but spending child-free socialising out of the house is so important.
Even if you’re feeling too tired to want to go out, you will probably feel happier and more energised if you do manage it even occasionally. This is one of the reasons I believe it’s so important to establish a strict bedtime routine as early as three months after a baby is born. Babies and children who reliably go to bed early and sleep all evening allow their parents to enlist the help of babysitters so they can go out and enjoy themselves once in a while without having to worry about whether the babysitter is going to cope.
If you have children who reliably go to bed early and yet you find you never go out, ask yourself why this is and see if you can arrange some babysitting to give yourself some evenings out. And if you have young kids who don’t reliably go to bed reasonably early each night, see what you can do to address this as early bedtimes might be what you need to save your sanity. Whether you have a partner or are solo parenting, going out in the evening once a month could help boost your mood and morale and give you something to look forward to. If you can manage to go out and enjoy yourself more often than that, then great!
Conclusion: Ways to Cope With Parental Exhaustion and Burnout
Parental exhaustion is a common challenge, but with the right strategies, you can navigate these demanding times successfully. By prioritising self-care, seeking support, and implementing healthy habits, you can build up all-important self-resilience and maintain a positive family life with your children and your partner. Parenting is so hard and at times relentless, and there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Taking small steps toward protecting your physical and mental health can have a significant impact on your overall happiness and the well-being of your family.
Looking after yourself and your relationship with your partner is honestly one of the best things you can do for your children, even if it means regularly delegating some of their care to other people during the day and in the evenings. Parental burnout is real, and it’s serious. You need to start finding ways of prioritising yourself as much as you prioritise your kids.
Parents who are suffering significant extra pressures on top of caring for children, such as long-term illness, personal financial issues or work-related stress are likely to feel the effects of parental burnout even more acutely. If you are struggling to cope, you might want to consider seeking the advice and support of professionals (see links below).
Links and Resources:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/cost-of-living/get-help-with-the-cost-of-living