When you’re in the thick of parenting—nappies, tantrums, school runs, and sleep deprivation—it’s no surprise that sex can quietly slide off the agenda. But when that dry spell stretches into months or even years, a bigger question often looms: Can a relationship still be called a couple if there’s no sex involved? And can a relationship survive parenting without sex?
Is it possible to parent together, share a home, build a life, and still be emotionally intimate, even if you’re not sexually intimate? And if you haven’t had sex in years, does it mean something is wrong—or could it simply be the shape your relationship has taken?
Let’s unpack what it really means to be a couple when sex isn’t part of the equation anymore.
When Parenthood Edges Out Intimacy
Becoming a parent often shakes a relationship to its core. The time and energy you once devoted to each other now goes toward keeping tiny humans alive and well. The mental load increases, sleep decreases, and your identity shifts—sometimes dramatically.
“It’s actually very normal for couples to go through long periods without sex,” says UK-based psychosexual therapist Katie Moye. “Particularly when you’re raising children, your priorities shift. But that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is broken.”
According to Moye, it’s only a problem if the absence of sex is causing pain for one or both people in the relationship. “If both partners are content and connected in other ways, a sexless relationship can still be a happy one.”
Source: https://www.redonline.co.uk/wellbeing/sex-relationships/a32765021/sexless-relationship/
Redefining What It Means to Be a Couple
So what actually makes a couple a couple? Is it sex? Or is it partnership, shared goals, mutual support, emotional intimacy?
“Sex isn’t the be-all and end-all,” says therapist and relationship educator Susan Quilliam. “What matters more is whether both people feel emotionally connected and valued. You can be deeply bonded without having sex.”
But Quilliam also warns against sweeping the issue under the rug. If one partner is quietly grieving the loss of that physical closeness, resentment can start to fester. “Honest communication is key. You need to check in with each other—regularly—not just about whether you’re having sex, but how you’re each feeling about that.”
Source: https://susanquilliam.com/personal-relationships/want-to-know-about-my-books/
Does Sex Really Matter That Much?
The truth is, it depends on the couple. For some, a deep emotional and intellectual connection is enough. For others, sex is the glue that helps them feel close, desired, and secure.
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer points out that it’s not unusual for couples to go through seasons of low or no sex—particularly during major life transitions like new parenthood or midlife changes. “It’s important not to panic,” she says. “But it’s also important to stay curious. What’s changed? How are we both feeling? Are there needs going unmet?”
Source: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellors/georgina-sturmer
Staying for the Kids, or Staying for Each Other?
One of the hardest questions couples face when sex disappears is whether they’re truly happy, or just coexisting for the sake of their children. It’s a tender, often painful subject.
“There’s a cultural pressure to ‘stay together for the kids,’” says Quilliam, “but children pick up on emotional tension. They don’t need perfect parents, but they do benefit from seeing healthy relationships—whether that’s between two people who are romantic partners, or co-parents who’ve chosen a different path.”
That doesn’t mean rushing to separate if sex isn’t happening. But it might mean checking in and asking: Are we fulfilled? Are we connected? Are we growing together—or just surviving side by side?
Source: https://susanquilliam.com/personal-relationships/want-to-know-about-my-books/
Can a ‘Parenting Marriage’ Work?
Some couples find peace and even joy in what’s been called a “parenting marriage”—where the focus shifts to raising kids together, maintaining a household, and supporting one another emotionally, even if the romantic or sexual side of the relationship fades.
Psychologist Diana Kirschner argues that these kinds of arrangements can work, as long as there’s mutual respect, open communication, and a shared understanding of what the relationship is now. “It’s when expectations are mismatched that trouble begins,” she says. “But if both people feel seen and supported, that’s still a valid and meaningful partnership.”
Source: https://intersectionsmatch.com/diana-kirschner-interview/
So… Should You Worry? Or Just Talk About It?
If you haven’t had sex in a long time, it doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is doomed. What matters more is how you and your partner feel about it—and whether you’ve had an honest conversation about what you both need.
Sexual connection is only one kind of intimacy. Emotional intimacy, friendship, shared values, and a sense of partnership are just as essential. But if something feels “off,” or one of you is feeling unseen or disconnected, that’s worth exploring.
Talk to each other. And if you’re stuck, talk to a therapist. There’s no “one size fits all” model of a healthy relationship—but happiness, respect, and mutual understanding should always be part of the equation.
Conclusion
A relationship without sexual intimacy doesn’t inherently lack depth or meaning. What matters is the mutual understanding and agreement between partners. Whether couples choose to reignite their sexual connection or embrace a different form of partnership, the foundation should be built on open communication, respect, and shared values.
If you find yourself in a relationship where intimacy has diminished, consider seeking guidance from a qualified therapist.They can help navigate these changes and support you in finding a fulfilling path forward.
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