When your phone pings with yet another playdate invitation, it’s easy to feel a surge of anxiety. For many parents of young children, especially those with sensitive kids or their first child, the idea of a play date can bring up a mix of emotions. You’re excited for your child to make new friends and have a great time, but at the same time, you might notice your heart rate increasing and feel a knot in your stomach. You’re not alone—many parents feel anxious about their children’s social lives and playdate anxiety can be a real problem. But what is it about kids’ playdates that makes us so anxious?
The first part of this post discusses anxiety around playdates OUT of the home, the second part talks about the anxiety of hosting playdates IN the home.
The Pressure of Social Interactions
One of the primary reasons for anxiety is the pressure that comes with social interactions, both for your child and for you. As an anxious parent, you may worry about how your child will behave in a new social situation. Will they make new friends? Will they have a good time? The pressure to ensure that your child has positive social experiences can be overwhelming, especially if you have your own social anxiety or if you were a shy kid growing up.
Playdates among very young children come with the expectation that a parent will attend the playdate with the child and therefore engage in small talk with other parents there. For those who struggle with social interactions or feel uncomfortable in big groups, this can be incredibly daunting. The idea of making conversation with someone you don’t know well, while keeping an eye on your child, can be a stressful moment. It’s natural to feel anxious about whether you’ll say the right things or if you’ll come across as awkward in front of other people, all the while having to keep a close eye on your child while they are playing and interacting with other children.
Safety Concerns and New Situations
A significant source of anxiety can be the safety concerns that come with letting your child spend time at a friend’s house, especially for the first time. You may wonder if the other parents share the same parenting values, if the house is childproofed, or if your child will be safe in an unfamiliar environment. If the family has pets you may be worried about whether they might harm your child. These worries are natural, especially in new situations where you might feel like you’re not in control.
As children get older and parents are invited to drop them off at playdates, separation anxiety can play a role. For some parents, especially those with younger children or sensitive kids, leaving their child in the care of someone else, even for a couple of hours, can be nerve-wracking. You may feel the need to stay the whole time to ensure your child’s safety and well-being, which can, in turn, increase your anxiety.
The Burden of Parental Anxieties
Parental anxieties around playdates are often intensified by the desire to be the best possible parent. We want our children to have a fulfilling childhood with lots of happy memories, including fun playdates and birthday parties. However, this desire can lead to worrying about every little detail, from whether the other children will get along with your child to whether the snacks you bring are appropriate. When we set high expectations for ourselves and our children, it can lead to unnecessary stress.
For some parents, there’s also the added pressure of social comparisons. You might wonder if other parents are judging your parenting style, your child’s behaviour, or even the food your child likes to eat. This comparison can make social gatherings like playdates and birthday parties feel like a high-stakes event rather than a casual, fun time for your child to engage in free play with their peers.
The Impact of Your Own Social Anxiety
If you have your own social anxiety, it can be particularly challenging to navigate your child’s social life. You might experience physical symptoms of anxiety, such as increased heart rate, stomach aches, or even shortness of breath when thinking about upcoming playdates. Your own experience with social anxiety can make it difficult to encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone, especially if you’re struggling to do so yourself.
It’s also possible that your child’s anxiety mirrors your own. Children of all ages are sensitive to their parents’ emotions, and they may pick up on these anxious feelings. This can create a cycle where your child becomes more anxious about social situations, which in turn increases your own anxiety.
The Challenges of Social Events and New Social Situations
Playdates, birthday parties, and other social events often involve new social situations, which can be overwhelming for both parents and children. For young kids, these events are opportunities to practice social skills, but they can also be overwhelming, especially if your child is shy or has a sensitive temperament. The noise, the big groups of children, and the unpredictability of social interactions can be a lot for sensitive children to handle, leading to big feelings and potential meltdowns. Having to parent your child in front of other people while they’re struggling in an unfamiliar setting or even having a huge meltdown, can be incredibly stressful.
As parents, we may worry about how our children will cope with these challenges. We might question whether we’re doing enough to prepare them for these social activities or if we’re pushing them too hard. It’s a delicate balance between encouraging social development and respecting your child’s comfort level.
Healthy Ways to Manage Playdate Anxiety
It’s important to recognise that feeling anxious about your child’s social life is normal, but it’s also important to find healthy ways to manage this anxiety. So what can we do to relieve playdate anxiety? Here are some helpful ways to ease your playdate-related worries:
Take Deep Breaths: When you feel your anxiety rising, take a moment to practice deep breathing. This simple technique can help calm your nervous system and reduce physical signs of anxiety.
Set Realistic Expectations: Remember that not every playdate will be perfect. It’s okay if your child doesn’t make a new best friend every time. Focus on the small victories, like your child having a good time or trying something new.
Prepare Your Child: Talk to your child about what to expect during the playdate. Role-playing different social scenarios can help them feel more comfortable and confident.
Start Small: If you or your child are anxious about big social gatherings, start with smaller, one-on-one playdates. This can help both of you build social confidence at your own pace.
Seek Professional Help: If your anxiety or your child’s anxiety is affecting your or their quality of life, consider talking to a healthcare provider. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a great way to address social anxiety and develop coping strategies.
Focus on the Positive: Remind yourself of the benefits of playdates, such as the development of social skills, the opportunity for free play, and the joy of making new friends.
Hosting Playdates At Home:
Some parents might feel more relaxed and less anxious hosting playdates in their own homes, but others may find this even more anxiety-provoking than playdates outside of the home. Equally, some parents might feel more relaxed if children’s parents stay with them for the duration of the playdate, others might feel more relaxed if the children are dropped off and collected at the end. Drop-off playdates, however, often come with the added stress for the hosting parent of being responsible for the safety of other people’s children. Accidents can happen while children are playing outdoors, particularly during activities such as riding bikes or trampolining, and in rare cases these types of accidents can be serious. The risk of kids hurting themselves at home can be nerve-wracking enough with one’s own children, let alone when looking after someone else’s!
Then there’s the problem of food. Parents can often feel anxious about feeding other people’s children, especially given how fussy a lot of kids are about what they eat. Having a child over to play who won’t eat anything isn’t likely to reduce the stress levels. And then there’s the mess. While some parents are quite relaxed about the idea of mess created by children’s playdates in their home, others may find the increased level of tidying up afterwards very stressful.
How to Manage Playdate Anxiety in the Home
Parents who feel increased anxiety hosting other children in their home might find the following advice helpful:
Decide Whether You Want Parents to Stay or Not
If your child is still quite young, you may feel more comfortable having their parent stay with them for the duration of the playdate. Even if parents express a desire to drop off their child, there is nothing wrong with telling them you would prefer them to stay before the playdate takes place. On the other hand, if you feel more relaxed with children being dropped off rather than having to make small talk with their parents throughout the playdate, then invite parents to drop off their child/children and collect them at the end. Letting parents know what’s expected of them regarding timings/dropping off etc. before the playdate takes place is essential to reducing playdate anxiety for yourself.
Your Home, Your Rules
There is nothing wrong with laying down some ground rules when children arrive at your home for a playdate. This is true whether a parent is staying with them or dropping them off. Be clear in your expectations from the word go. If you need them to remove their shoes at the door, stay out of bedrooms/upstairs rooms, use a certain bathroom etc. then say so. Politely explaining the rules in your home to children (and their parents if they’re staying) can help you to feel in control.
Ask What They Like to Eat Beforehand and Keep Food Simple
Message parents before the playdate to find out what their child likes to eat, and if there is anything they really don’t like eating. Of course, many children won’t eat particularly well in new settings/other people’s homes even if they are offered their favourite food! Try not to worry about this too much. Most playdates for young children don’t last longer than a couple of hours so it’s not the end of the world if the child won’t eat anything while they’re with you. You could always try offering them some toast or a piece of fruit if you’re worried, but remember that most parents won’t mind if their kids don’t eat much during a playdate.
Plan the Time
While unstructured free play is important for children, the idea of children being left to their own devices around the garden and outside areas at home can be stressful for some parents hosting playdates. This is particularly true for drop-off playdates when the children’s parents aren’t there to supervise them. If you are worried, it might be a good idea to plan some activities for the children to do where you can more easily keep an eye on them and make sure they are safe. Planned activities can also be helpful if you are worried about them making a mess of the house, especially while unsupervised in upstairs rooms. Fun activities can include:
Painting or crafting
Baking
Board games
Games on paper such as Heads, Bodies and Tails
Check out the following link for more planned playdate activities that will keep children contained and entertained!
Don’t be Afraid to Turn on the TV
When my kids were really young, there were several playdates in my home where the parents had stayed with the kids and we decided to turn on the TV or put a film on. This was usually the last resort when the kids were clearly overtired and ratty with each other, or getting so giddy they were causing chaos. Nobody minded and I even remember the adults breathing a collective sigh of relief whenever we did it. Whether the parents are staying with their kids, or it’s a drop-off playdate, nobody is going to mind a bit of TV/film time if you think it’s needed. I promise you they will just be grateful that you’re even hosting a playdate, and they want you to make it easy on yourself if managing the kids and their behaviour is getting to be a challenge. Parents usually have each other’s backs, and everyone knows how tiring playdates can be!
It’s okay to say “No”
For parents who suffer intense playdate anxiety either outside of the home it’s fine to just say no to playdate invitations. For those who find hosting playdates in their own homes too stressful, it’s equally fine to simply not host them! Children will still have plenty of opportunities to socialise with other children without parents having to commit to playdates in each other’s homes. The local park, playground, playgroups, nursery, and school as children get older, can all provide a stimulating environment for social interactions among young children. While most parents should be able to manage their playdate anxiety by following the advice given in this post, those who face significant playdate anxiety shouldn’t feel guilt over not organising them if it’s just proving too much. There are lots of other ways to support children’s social development, and sometimes busy, stressed parents needs to make things easier for themselves.
Conclusion
Playdates are considered to be a significant part of a child’s life, but they can also be a source of anxiety for parents. By understanding the reasons behind your anxiety and finding healthy ways to manage it, you can help your child navigate their social world with confidence. Remember, it’s okay to feel a little bit anxious—what matters is how you respond to it. The next time you receive a playdate invitation, or are hosting a playdate in your home, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re doing a great job in supporting your child’s social development. And if it’s really just proving too much, you can always find other ways to help your child’s social development without resorting to playdates.
Further Links and Resources
If your anxiety is seriously affecting your day-to-day life, you might want to consider contacting a therapy service such as Better Help. They offer therapy sessions online to fit around busy schedules and you can change your therapist if you’re not happy with the one they match you with.
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