Dealing with a child’s bad behaviour can be one of the hardest aspects of parenting, and most parents want to discipline their child in a way that doesn’t involve yelling or harsh verbal discipline. While not resorting to shouting at kids is easier said than done, positive discipline techniques result in much more effective and lasting results for shaping good behaviour. In this post, I will outline some of my top tips on how to discipline kids without yelling, emphasising positive reinforcement, logical and natural consequences, and age-appropriate approaches that consider your child’s needs and developmental stage.
1. Open Mind and Clear Expectations
The first step in disciplining a child without yelling is to maintain an open mind and set clear expectations. Recognise that children are still learning and developing, so it’s really important to try and approach their behaviour problems with empathy and understanding. Consistently communicate and reiterate your family’s house rules, ensuring that your child knows what’s expected of them. Calmly saying why the behaviour isn’t acceptable, and then stating how you do expect them to behave is key to promoting good behaviour and encouraging children to make the right choices.
2. Positive Reinforcement
One of the most effective discipline techniques is positive reinforcement. Instead of focusing solely on a child’s inappropriate behaviour, praise and reward positive behaviour. Consistently offer words of encouragement and small rewards when your child makes good choices. This approach will reinforce the notion that good behaviour yields positive results. Children who are praised more often than they are told off and corrected, are likely to develop a much more positive mindset when it comes to behaviour than ones who are rarely praised when they’re getting it right.
It’s very natural for parents to take it for granted when a child is behaving well, but be very quick to scold and correct poor behaviour. If we can turn this on its head, and spend much more of our time praising children than we do telling them off, the positive results will be evident.
Check out my post about how to cope with really strong-willed young children, which begins with a discussion of why lots of positive praise is so important:
https://www.enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/post/15-tips-for-how-to-cope-with-a-strong-willed-toddler
3. Logical Consequences
If your child’s behaviour is causing problems, implement logical consequences. These consequences should be directly related to the misbehaviour. For instance, if a child refuses to clean up their toys, they won’t be able to play with them the next time. Logical consequences help children understand the connection between their actions and the results. I had a friend who even took her child to school once wearing her pyjamas after she had repeatedly refused to get dressed that morning. While this sounds extreme, this has been going on for weeks and my friend was at the end of her tether. After her daughter had to get changed into her school uniform in the school toilets, she was much more willing to get dressed quickly in the mornings. Sometimes a fairly harsh consequence such as this (that doesn’t involve the parent yelling) is worth it to avoid hours of misery and shouting in the future. In my friend’s case, it worked with her daughter. Every child is different though, and this must be borne in mind when consequences for poor behaviour are being considered.
4. Natural Consequences
Sometimes, it’s best to let natural consequences take their course. This approach involves allowing children to experience the consequences of their actions without parental interference. For instance, if a child refuses to wear a coat on a cold day, let them spend some time getting cold outside without it. This kind of natural consequence of their actions and behaviour can be a valuable lesson in making better choices.
5. Age-Appropriate Techniques
Discipline strategies need to be tailored to your child’s age and developmental stage. What works for younger children may not be effective for older children. It’s good to consider whether the way you are disciplining your child is age-appropriate and to adapt your approach accordingly as they grow.
6. Positive Relationship and Role Model
Building and maintaining a positive relationship with your child is vital. It’s really important to try to be a role model for them by demonstrating good behaviour and handling difficult situations with empathy. Show your child the right way to deal with big emotions and power struggles through your own actions and body language. Of course, this is easier said than done, but keep telling yourself at times when you’re calm and relaxed that shouting doesn’t work. Everyone shouts at their kids sometimes, it’s virtually impossible to never do it. But we have to ask ourselves, does shouting at the ever make us feel better? Does it make our kids feel better? Does it ever improve the behaviour in the long run rather than in the short-term? Most of the time, no. Therefore we have to keep working at using other strategies that are kinder to everyone and more effective at promoting positive relationships and behaviour.
While it’s important not to beat oneself up too much (after all, parenting is just so hard sometimes), it is important to regularly reflect on our own actions and behaviour when it comes to disciplining our children. We can also be a good role model to your child by owning up and apologising when we get it wrong. The sorts of conversations that start with, “I’m sorry for losing my temper this morning. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. But you have to understand that…” are important in fostering understanding and empathy between a parent and their child and also model the difficult skill of apologising to the child.
7. Daily Schedule and Time Limits
Children thrive on routines and structure. Establish a daily schedule that provides a clear framework for your child’s activities as this is likely to have a positive impact on behaviour. When dealing with inappropriate behaviour, set time limits to deal with it and stick to them. Don’t keep referring back to and dwelling on something your child did wrong at a later date, as this is just miserable for everyone and sets a generally negative tone to the parent-child relationship. Consistency and keeping things as positive as possible is key to effective discipline that doesn’t involve yelling.
8. Patience and Alternative Approaches
Discipline requires a lot of patience. Endless patience, in fact, and this can be really hard. Keep an open mind and explore different ways to address your child’s behavioural problems. Be prepared to try alternative methods if one doesn’t work. Remember, it may take time to see results, so it’s best not to ‘flip-flop’ between different approaches too often as this will confuse the child.
9. Eye Level and Empathetic Statements
When addressing your child’s behaviour, get down to their eye level and maintain eye contact. Use empathetic statements to help them understand that you recognise their feelings. For example, tell them, “I understand that you’re upset because you couldn’t have another cookie, but I said everyone was only allowed to have one”, rather than dismissing their emotions. Saying out loud how the child is feeling in a calm, neutral tone can often be enough to make the child realise they are being listened to and understood, and might be all that’s needed to diffuse the situation. This technique is usually much more effective than criticising and yelling.
10. Reward Systems and Sticker Charts
There’s a bit of debate when it comes to the use of reward charts with children. Some people don’t like them as they believe that the reward is extrinsic rather than intrinsic, and therefore not helpful in promoting good behaviour in the long term, as this video explains:
That said, every child is different and reward systems and sticker charts can be a fun and motivating way to encourage positive behaviour for some children. I would say they are certainly worth trying for children who demonstrate really challenging behaviour over a long period for whom other techniques aren’t working well. While it’s no doubt tricky to maintain the use of reards charts over a long period, used temporarily, they can help to stop habits of bad behaviour a child has developed such as hitting or biting.
Reward charts can also be used to help kick-start and promote positive habits such as a child tidying their bedroom every morning or reading their school reading book every evening, which will hopefully continue after the reward chart system has finished.
Allow your child to track their own progress on their chart and see the positive consequences of their good choices. If you can let your child make the chart and choose the stickers they will use on it, that’s even better. Getting them involved in any sort of process like this can go a long way to making them feel valued and respected, thus helping to promote good behaviour.
See if you and your child can come up with a reward together that doesn’t involve the consumption of sugary food. Rewards don’t have to be big, but make sure it’s something your child is excited about. I would also recommend not having the promise of a reward for completing the chart too far in the future, as children can easily get bored and frustrated with the whole idea of it. Having a fairly short time frame between starting the chart and getting the reward will be most effective, such as the reward coming at the end of a week, or even at the end of the day for very young children.
For more help and advice when it comes to using rewards charts, I recommend this website:
https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/encouraging-good-behaviour/reward-charts
11. Mindfulness, Meditation and Deep Breaths
Many parents find that taking even a small window of time to practice meditation and mindfulness each day helps them to manage stress, reduce anxiety and cultivate peace of mind. This often contributes to a low-stress, calm environment without shouting, which helps kids thrive. Mindfulness and meditation are also great skills for children to learn, and who better to learn from than their parents?! Starting to learn to pay attention to breathing out and breathing in, parents and children alike start to feel calm inside. Then they can learn to notice their feelings, even upsetting ones, and discuss them together in a calm, non-confrontational way.
Setting aside time each day to learn the skills of mindfulness and meditation and teach them to their children is highly beneficial in promoting a calm, happy family life. At the very least, parents need to learn to take a step back (or even step out of the room if need be) and take long, deep breaths before dealing with their child’s challenging behaviour. Even this simple technique can go a long way in helping adults deal with this behaviour in a calm, appropriate and effective way, without resorting to shouting.
Conclusion
In the long run, positive discipline techniques are the most effective way to guide a child from bad behaviour to good behaviour. By considering your child’s age, basic needs, and developmental stage, you can set boundaries and create a positive relationship that fosters good choices. Remember that discipline is about teaching, not punishing. In this way, you can help shape your child’s behaviour and set them on the path to becoming responsible, well-behaved, and respectful individuals.
Links and Resources
As I mentioned earlier, you might find this post I wrote on ways to cope with children demonstrating very challenging behaviour helpful:
https://www.enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/post/15-tips-for-how-to-cope-with-a-strong-willed-toddler
If you are struggling to cope with your child’s behaviour, consider reaching out to these support groups. Parenting can be an incredibly tough, lonely experience at times and no parent or caregiver should ever feel ashamed for asking for help.
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/parenting-and-mental-health
More Posts from Enjoy Every Minute You Might Find Useful
https://enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/2024/05/20/the-importance-of-discipline-for-young-children/
https://enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/2024/05/20/16-tips-for-how-to-cope-with-a-strong-willed-toddler/