Parenthood is a journey filled with moments of joy, wonder, and endless love. But it’s also a journey that can be riddled with challenges, especially when you find yourself face-to-face with a strong-willed toddler who seems to do nothing but scream at you. If you’ve ever felt like you’re caught in a never-ending cycle of defiance, stubbornness, and fierce independence, you’re not alone. In fact, speaking from experience, I would say looking after a really challenging toddler day in and day out can, at times, feel soul-destroying and life-ruining. Here I discuss some helpful techniques that my husband and I used when we were faced with our son’s frequent tantrums and bouts of screaming between the ages of two and four. I hope you find it helpful and hang on in there, it will get easier!
1. Offer Plenty of Positive Praise Every Day
‘Catch them being good’ is something I learned from the deputy headteacher when I worked in a challenging school in Manchester. Everyone responds to positivity more than negativity, and young children are no different. When you start realising that the best way of dealing with really challenging, strong-willed little kids is to praise them for every small good thing they do, life will suddenly feel so much easier and more pleasant for everyone.
Even those children whose parents feel they do literally nothing but scream at them (like my son between the ages of two and four) spend some of their day doing good things that are easy to praise. Even now my children are seven and five, I consistently whisper statements of praise into their ears as often as possible throughout the day. Here are some examples of the sorts of things I might praise them for:
– Not making a fuss about getting dressed, brushing teeth, getting ready for bed etc.
– Being brave or successfully navigating a difficult time for them, such as starting school or going to a drop-off birthday party for the first time.
– Doing kind little things for their sibling, such as sharing a packet of sweets from a party bag or going to help them find a lost toy.
– Practising new skills such as learning to do a forward roll or riding a scooter.
– Helping out
– Tidying their rooms (whether they have been asked to do it or not)
– Being independent, whether it’s getting dressed/putting on their shoes by themselves or playing by themselves
I could go on, but essentially, the more you praise toddlers and young children, the more likely they will want to demonstrate appropriate behaviour around their parents. Even when it comes to the most challenging, headstrong children, there are still so many opportunities to offer positive feedback on their actions and behaviour every day. Once you adopt this positive change in your parenting (seriously, start praising them for absolutely everything you can think of!), you will find that everything feels more positive on a daily basis, and that when the inevitable temper tantrums and negative behaviour occur, it is much easier to cope with.
While there are different ways of dealing with the behaviour of toddlers and young children, I absolutely believe that continuous positive praise is the most effective way – which is in stark contrast to continually telling them off and always responding to the bad behaviour rather than the good.
2. Always consider the cause
Of course, while all this positive praise is great, there will inevitably be times when your strong-willed toddler is pushing all your buttons and letting out all those ‘big feelings’ with reckless abandon, most likely in the form of screaming at you multiple times a day. It’s always important to try and understand what has caused the temper tantrum each time. My son’s tantrums were very often caused by his frustrations when he wanted to do something and it went wrong (such as building or drawing something) or because we wouldn’t let him do something.
He has always been a very bright child, and very practically advanced for his age, which I think made it even harder for him. We always said it was as if his body hadn’t caught up with his brain which was incredibly frustrating for him. When screaming tantrums resulted from these frustrations, there really wasn’t anything to ‘discipline’. In these situations we just had to try and ride out the screaming as best we could, trying not to get cross with him (not easy when you feel as though your brain is being assaulted by a jackhammer).
When he was actually being badly behaved or had done something deliberately he knew was wrong, then we felt we had to try and provide effective discipline (this was also true in cases where his behaviour was dangerous, such as running out to cross the road without waiting for an adult).
Working out the cause of every tantrum can feel exhausting and overwhelming, especially when they’re happening multiple times a day. However, it’s important to distinguish bad (or even dangerous) behaviour from the times they’re simply acting out their daily (and numerous) frustrations.
3. Try to avoid punishments
While parents need to set clear boundaries and demonstrate to their toddlers and young children that there will be logical consequences when they don’t make ‘good choices’ regarding their behaviour, the best thing is to avoid punishments if possible.
This form of discipline is classic of school teachers who struggle to maintain respect and order in their classrooms. They issue warnings, write the pupil’s name on the board in front of the whole class each time an offence is committed and end up issuing a punishment – usually in the form of a missed break time or, in the case of older pupils, after school detention.
I spent a lot of time sitting in the back of classrooms observing teachers when I was in my training year (a truly fascinating experience) and the less successful teachers (and often those who were the most stressed and disillusioned with the job) spent far more time shouting at the kids and doling out punishments than they did praising and rewarding them.
For the most successful teachers, doling out even a written warning on the board was considered virtually a last resort, and would be met with gasps of horror from the rest of the class. For those teachers, a warning for the worst offenders would usually suffice, and actually issuing a detention was very rare. When it did happen, pupils who rang rings around some of the other teachers, would be almost in tears with remorse and shame as the teacher calmly and quietly repeated why their behaviour had been unacceptable and why the punishment was needed.
The successful teachers had three things in common. They very rarely shouted, they heaped praise on their pupils (with extra praise given to the most challenging kids in the class) and they reserved punishments only for the very rare situations where they felt it was strictly necessary.
Both as a teacher and a parent, I have learned the hard way. I still get it wrong sometimes, threatening a punishment that I then regret and have to follow through on. But it is extremely important to consistently do what you say you’re going to do and this next section will explain why.
4. Don’t make empty threats – say what you’re going to do and then do it
Once parents have established that the child is in fact being badly behaved or actively defiant, it’s very easy to slip into the habit of issuing threats. We’ve all done it. “If you do that again I’ll…!” “Well you won’t be getting any sweets later. Your behaviour hasn’t been good enough!” “You’ll be going to bed without a story if you don’t turn the TV off right now…”
The problem with threats, is that they always involve some sort of punishment for the child. Threatening to take away a privilege or disallow them to have/do something they enjoy is a very natural thing to want to do during challenging, highly charged moments with our children.
As the parent of a strong-willed toddler during lockdown, the urge to threaten punishments as he screamed at us multiple times a day, seven days a week (at least that’s what it felt like), was unbelievably strong. But for reasons I have already discussed, punishments simply don’t work in preventing the negative behaviour from happening again – at least, they don’t work nearly as well as positive parenting techniques such as consistent positive praise do.
So we all know that we should threaten punishments for bad behaviour, but of course the reality is that sometimes it’s going to happen. And when parents do slip up and threaten something, then boy, they better make sure they follow through with it! Young children will soon realise when their parents don’t actually do what they say they’re going to do. And if that happens, then any authority and control of the situation the parent had will be completely lost. The ’empty threats cycle’ can quickly spiral out of control and end up being miserable for everyone.
Great leaders are usually the people who make a decision, say what they’re going to do, and then follow through with it. Children look to their parents for strong leadership and consistency, and issuing empty threats is one of the fastest ways of losing this. While it’s obviously better not to issue threats in the first place, when a threat has been issued, it’s much better to follow it through, even when the parent no longer really wants to. Even if the threat/punishment is too extreme and the parent regrets saying it, it’s much better to do it with the intention of avoiding the issue of threats in the future.
And of course, parents can always tell their child they regretted having to carry out the punishment once it’s done. The child is likely to respect the parent for having done what they said they were going to do, and showing the child that the parent is only human and makes mistakes/is trying their best, can help foster empathy in the parent-child relationship.
5. Let them choose whenever possible
Oh how I love the illusion of choice we can offer our young children! Young children with a strong-willed temperament are most likely going to have strong opinions about most things and are going to appreciate being able to make their own decisions about things as often as possible. Of course the older the child is, the easier it is the give them more choices about things, but that doesn’t mean that younger children can’t be made to feel like they’re getting their ‘own way’ a lot of the time.
The trick is to offer them choices within a narrow framework, as often as possible. A stubborn child who doesn’t want to put their shoes on could be allowed to choose to wear different footwear instead (within the framework of them having to wear something on their feet). If a child goes to nursery in their wellies in the middle of July, so be it. They’ll probably spend most of the day in their socks anyway, and it might avoid an epic tantrum right when the parent has to leave the house.
Children love to choose, especially strong-willed children, so try and offer them a choice to allow them to feel in control as often as possible. Sometimes I’ll say to my children, “So-and-So is allowed to choose which ice cream they want first today, because she had a hard time at school,” or “So-and-so is allowed to choose which story we have in the car after lunch, because So-and-So chose the one before we stopped.”
They rarely protest at me choosing who gets to choose or choose first, because they feel it’s fair. So letting them choose can also be a good way of fostering a feeling that the parent cares about making things equal between siblings. A good rule of thumb is for parents to always ask themselves, “Can I let them choose here?” rather than trying to remember to find times when they let their child choose.
6. Staying as calm as possible is really important
My now lovely five-year-old son reduced me and my husband to gibbering wrecks when he was younger. He had this kind of Kevin-the-Teenager transformation virtually on his second birthday (for those of you old enough to remember Harry Enfield) and went from being the happiest, easiest one-year-old to a frustrated, furious, accident-prone two-year-old who screamed multiple times a day until he was four.
Honestly, it was that bad, so I absolutely understand how difficult it is to keep calm and not scream back. Really challenging toddlers and young children who throw constant tantrums can feel like they’re ruining your lives on a daily basis. Throw more spanners into works such as pandemic lockdowns, problems at work, or money worries and it’s easy for parents to feel as though they’re barely keeping their heads above water.
The single most important thing, however, is that parents try and stay calm even during the worst tantrums; even if they’re being screamed at or physically assaulted by their tiny tyrant, or both. While a parent losing their temper and shouting at the child might make that child initially stop doing what they’re doing, children’s behaviour is very unlikely to improve in the future if they are regularly (or even constantly) shouted at.
If parents are able to keep themselves calm, then they’re more likely able to deal with the tantrums and bad behaviour in a more positive way, telling the child why the behaviour is unacceptable, reinforcing clear expectations and explaining why a consequence such as a time-out needs to happen. It’s important they still receive, whenever possible, positive, calm attention when they act out and throw a tantrum. This not only models positive behaviour to the child (rather than the parent shouting back at them), but also helps to make the child feel safe and secure when they’re at their most vulnerable and acting out their biggest frustrations with life.
Learning to stay calm during some of life’s toughest moments (screaming children can be horrific) is a skill that will benefit parents while their children are young and also during all those inevitable challenging times to come (for example, during the teen years!).
7. Develop techniques to help to stay calm (including earplugs!)
Every parent of a strong-willed child needs to work hard on developing techniques for staying calm. Not easy if they’re being screamed at multiple times a day. For a start, I strongly suggest investing in a good pair of earplugs. Or several pairs so you can keep a set in each room of the house, and maybe even the car?!
My husband once read that the sound of a screaming baby or child actually has the effect of momentarily shutting down part of an adult’s brain. It’s very hard to stay calm or even basically function when your brain’s reaction is to literally shut off to protect itself from the auditory assault! Ear plugs can bring immediate relief from the deeply unpleasant physical sensations of the screaming, which makes reacting calmly and positively a lot easier. Hey, earplugs can even be inserted at the dinner table if need be!
Leaving the child in a safe and walking away from the situation also helped me enormously when dealing with my son’s tantrums. For parents who feel they’re about to ‘lose it’, it’s much better to walk away and come back once they’re calm. This might also diffuse the situation enough for the child to calm down on their own.
Closing eyes, deep breathing, slow breathing and slow counting can also help adults to stay calm during testing situations, and generally including sessions of meditation and mindfulness into one’s daily or weekly routine can also be hugely helpful.
8. Talk to them about their behaviour when they’re calm
While of course, every child is different, my husband and I soon realised that there was very little point in trying to reason with our son or calm him down when he was screaming. Whether he was screaming because he was frustrated with something (sometimes several times a day) or because he had hurt himself (also several times a day), it was always best to walk away from him or into another room, or if it was really disturbing everyone else (for example if he did it at the dinner table) then we would carry him to another room and try and get him to stay there until he had calmed down.
He gradually learned to calm himself down before coming back to us, at which point we would then calmly talk about what had led to the meltdown and how he was feeling about everything. In cases of actual bad behaviour that he was told off for, it even got to the point that he would start screaming, take himself off to his bedroom, and then come back when he was calm to apologise and talk about it.
Whatever approach parents take, however difficult it can be sometimes to implement planned strategies, it’s important to have those techniques and strategies in place and carry them out as calmly and consistently as possible. Really, staying calm and being consistent is all parents can do in these situations.
There is no magic formula. Strong-willed kids who tantrum a lot can be absolutely horrendous to live with, but it’s important to remember that, in most cases, there’s nothing wrong with them. It’s a natural part of development in young children and often all they need is time to develop, mature and grow up a bit.
Often, particularly with very bright children, their bodies need to catch up with their brains in order for the daily frustrations to ease. Talking about the event afterwards, once the child is calm again, even if it’s hours later, is much more effective in helping them deal with their feelings compared to trying to have those conversations while they’re upset.
9. Encourage them to ask for help
As I’ve said, strong-willed toddlers often struggle to cope with the many frustrations they encounter throughout the day. Both of my children, for example, would always get furious when a picture they were working on went wrong, or something they tried to make didn’t go to plan. The sources of frustration for such small people are endless.
Even trying to get their shoes on can result in a meltdown of epic proportions. If parents calmly keep repeating, ‘I’m here if you need help. Remember to ask for help when you need it,’ eventually they will realise that asking for help is better than losing their temper whenever something goes wrong. Once both our children eventually learned to ask for help, their daily frustrations lessened and life got a little easier for everyone.
10. Be careful what you say about them when they can hear you
It is entirely normal for parents to want to vent about their tyrant toddler who is making their lives a misery. I’ve been there. ‘Misery’ is no understatement. But whether a parent is talking about their child’s challenging behaviour/tantrums with their partner, a family member, or a friend, it’s incredibly important to do this out of earshot of the child. No matter how challenging the child is being, it’s important that the adults in their lives maintain and united and positive front when the child is present.
11. Be really consistent in your approach and your expectations
Whether a parent is raising a strong-willed or challenging toddler on their own or with a partner, it is important that the adults in the child’s life talk to each other about approaches and strategies and try to be as consistent as possible. Teachers, grandparents and childminders who care for the child should all be included in conversations and briefed about the approach that parents are taking at home. That way, everyone is on the same page, better able to support each other throughout the difficult times, and the child’s needs as they struggle with their emotions are far more likely to be met.
12. Tell them what will be happening that day, and then repeat it
Toddlers and young children thrive on routine, set limits and boundaries. They like things to be predictable; to know where they are. A sudden change of plan can really unsettle them and easily cause a meltdown. It is always worth taking the time to explain to a young child what is going to happen each day after nursery/school and at the weekends to avoid confusion and upset.
My son was getting confused about when school days were and when weekends were. We bought him a calendar and he now copes much better with school mornings now that he can see exactly how many days are left until the weekend (his face was quite the picture when he realised that there are five school days and only two weekend days in every week. He immediately asked why it wasn’t the other way around! The kid has a point…)
Very young children may find it helpful to have a visual aid such as a picture chart or timetable outlining their daily or weekly routine, especially if there are a lot of changes of locations/people looking after them to cope with.
Of course, sudden changes of plan are inevitably going to happen from time to time, in which case it’s worth taking the time to explain the change to the child before it happens so they aren’t surprised.
13. Pick your battles
It’s important to remember that while living with a strong-willed, challenging toddler who has screaming tantrums multiple times a day is very hard work for parents, it’s also really hard for the child. They don’t like being like this, and they want to do the right thing, but often they just can’t. They’re only little and their emotions get the better of them.
While it’s important to address the tantrums/negative behaviour and encourage good behaviour, it’s also important to give them some slack sometimes. Not to mention that parents can’t be on it all the time! It’s exhausting. If the child gets their own way sometimes to avoid, for example, a screaming meltdown at a family gathering, then so be it. Both parents and kids need a break sometimes, especially when it comes to raising strong-willed kids. Empathy on both sides is needed wherever possible…
14. Spend one-to-one time with them whenever possible
While little kids scream because of the endless daily frustrations they face, not getting their own way, or when they hurt themselves, they can also behave badly and have tantrums when they are craving an adult’s attention. The more time – especially one-to-one time – parents can spend giving them focused, positive attention, the less likely they are to melt down.
The times I always found my son the hardest to deal with was when I wasn’t giving him my full attention and was trying to multi-task and get lots of things done that didn’t involve looking after him. It is very difficult to parent well when the parent has one eye focused elsewhere, be it getting stuff done around the house or responding to work calls/emails.
Even spending fifteen minutes a day spending quality one-to-one time with a child can make a huge difference to their behaviour and demeanour the rest of the time. Even a short period of time spent on a planned activity together will be a big deal for the child – it will be noticed. The parent will feel more connected to the child and in tune with their rhythms, and will therefore be better able to deal with challenging behaviour when it comes around.
15. Use humour and distraction
It’s amazing how quickly I’ve been able to diffuse my children’s unwillingness to do something or bad moods using humour – when I remember to that is. Of course, being funny is not the thing adults immediately think of when faced with yet another argument about getting dressed or a tantrum about not being allowed a second piece of cake. But it’s amazing how often a young child will end up giggling instead of crying when the adult does manage to inject some humour into the situation. Take the clothes/shoes example. If the parent starts trying to put the child’s clothes or shoes on themselves, with great hyperbole to accompany: “Oh no! I don’t think I can get this tiny pair of trousers on! Oh dear, this shoe is never going to fit over Daddy’s enormous toes!” the child is both distracted by the theatrics and also (hopefully) reduced to a giggling heap, thus forgetting what they were having a tantrum about in the first place.
Humour also serves to lighten the atmosphere and improve the adult’s mood, so everyone’s happier all round. When children are so young, it’s more important to try and diffuse the situation as quickly as possible and move on, rather than appropriately disciplining the child so they learn right from wrong at every single turn. Parents sometimes need to be reminded to try and have fun with their tyrant toddlers even though they can be desperately hard work and exhausting! Using humour, distraction and generally a bit of good old silliness can go a long way in turning a sad, cross situation into a funny, happy one.
16. Be kind to yourself
Looking after a strong-willed toddler can feel totally overwhelming at times. I remember my husband and I feeling as though our son did nothing but scream for the best part of two years, and at times it felt utterly life-ruining. Even parents with the best will in the world to implement positive reinforcement and demonstrate peaceful parenting will inevitably sometimes fall into power struggles and even shouting matches with their child. It’s impossible to react appropriately all the time under such difficult circumstances, especially when the challenging behaviour has been going on for a long time and the parent feels there is no end in sight. When parents don’t manage to react to their child’s screaming tantrum in the most appropriate way, rather than beating themselves, they should take a deep breath, give themselves a pat on the back, and tell themselves they’re doing to best they can. Tomorrow is another day. And of course, there is always wine…
Links and Resources
https://www.parents.com/strong-willed-child-signs-benefits-and-tips-8421719
https://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-behavior/stubborn-toddler.aspx
More Posts from Enjoy Every Minute You Might Find Useful
https://enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/2024/05/20/the-importance-of-discipline-for-young-children/
https://enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/2024/05/20/how-to-discipline-kids-without-yelling-11-top-tips/
https://enjoyeveryminute.co.uk/2024/05/10/12-ways-to-cope-with-parental-exhaustion-and-burnout/