In a capitalist world that increasingly emphasises and rewards high standards and expectations, it’s not uncommon for even young children to develop perfectionist tendencies. While the pursuit of excellence is commendable, an unhealthy fixation on perfection in children of all ages can lead to a fear of failure and transform into unhealthy perfectionism. This post aims to explore practical strategies to help children overcome perfectionism and foster a positive mindset that embraces making mistakes, promoting their overall well-being.
I will be covering the nuances of perfectionism in young minds, how to identify signs of perfectionism early on, and provide actionable strategies to foster a growth mindset and resilience rather than perfectionism in your child.
Understanding Perfectionism:
Perfectionism in a young child is more than just having high standards; it often stems from a deep fear of failure and the desire to meet unrealistic expectations. A perfectionist child may harbour negative self-talk, leading to low self-esteem and an aversion to trying new things. Recognising these perfectionist tendencies is the first step in addressing the issue and guiding the child towards a healthier mindset.
The Role of High Expectations:
Parents, caregivers, and educators play a significant role in shaping a child’s perspective on achievement. While high expectations can help propel a child toward success both in school and the wider world, striking a balance is crucial. Encouraging a growth mindset involves emphasising the importance of the learning journey rather than fixating solely on the end result. A child’s teacher can be instrumental in providing constructive feedback that promotes growth rather than perfection. If you are concerned that your child might be developing or demonstrating perfectionist tendencies, it’s really important to flag it up with teachers and caregivers. Discussing strategies with them can help to create a more consistent environment for tackling the issue at home and at school.
Signs of Perfectionism:
Perfectionistic children often exhibit signs that parents and educators should be attuned to. Early signs of perfectionism may include an intense focus on the end result, reluctance to try new things, and an aversion to taking healthy risks. Most toddlers and young children will go through a prolonged phase of becoming frustrated or angry when something they are doing goes wrong, or doesn’t turn out as they imagined it in their head. Drawing a picture that goes wrong or building a tower that collapses before they have finished are classic examples of this.
It’s typical for a child to have a frustrated response to something that didn’t go their way, and most children will usually grow out of this as they develop and start learning to deal with frustration without throwing a tantrum. There could be a real problem, though, if it’s happening a lot and they can’t move on from it. If left unchecked, perfectionism is a risk factor for clinical depression and anxiety so parents and caregivers should look out for other signs including:
- Taking a long time to finish things or repeatedly re-starting them due to anxiety about not getting things exactly right.
- Self-consciousness, low self-esteem, or lots of negative self-talk about the child’s own achievements.
- Worries about failing that are out of proportion to the actual situation.
- Avoiding risks, and being hesitant to try new things (like learning new skills or hobbies), if there’s any chance you’ll make a mistake.
- They focus on the possible negative consequences of failure. (In most cases, these feared consequences are unlikely and much more drastic than the reality).
Different Types of Perfectionism:
Understanding that there are distinct types of perfectionism can help tailor interventions to the child’s needs. Some children may be self-oriented perfectionists, setting impossibly high standards for themselves. Others may be socially prescribed perfectionists, feeling the weight of external expectations. Adaptive perfectionists strive for excellence in a healthy way (children strive towards feeling pride in what they’re doing in their accomplishments) while maladaptive perfectionists set unattainable standards, leading to anxiety and self-doubt.
Encourage Your Child to Take Risks and Make Mistakes
Encouraging a child to embrace new experiences and take healthy risks is vital in overcoming perfectionism, as is reinforcing the idea that mistakes are a natural part of learning and personal growth.
When my husband and I first started noticing perfectionist tendencies in our daughter when she was very young, we started deliberately making mistakes in front of her. We always made sure we reacted with a cheerful “Oh well, never mind!’ exclamation, or by repeating the mantra, ‘A person who makes no mistakes makes nothing,’ which has now become a bit of a family motto.
My husband now regularly takes both our children on a tour of the house and garden and points out the mistakes he has made during DIY projects. “Look how wonky that is!”, “Look at the extra hole I accidentally drilled in that!” etc. I now regularly make a habit of telling the children about mistakes I made during the day while they were at school. Adults need to be seen not to be fearful of making mistakes and embracing failure so that children can learn to do the same. Make sure that your children regularly see you fail, and see how to deal with that failure in a positive way. Try introducing the concept of the ‘power of yet’, emphasizing that not knowing or mastering something now doesn’t mean it’s impossible; it simply hasn’t happened yet. Talk about the ‘power of yet’ to you children using examples in your own life so they can see that even adults are always learning new things (and most importantly, making mistakes along the way).
You can even go as far as to deliberately make mistakes in front of even very young children. Craft and drawing sessions are a great opportunity for this. “Oh no! I accidentally drew a big line over my picture! Oh no! I made a mess of my colouring!” Drop an egg on the floor during a baking session. Colour Santa’s hat in using the wrong colour. Pour orange juice on your child’s cereal instead of milk, and let them see you throw it all in the bin with a laugh and start again (“Oh dear, how silly of me! I made that mistake because I’m just so tired!”) Grab any opportunity to show them that humans aren’t perfect and life isn’t perfect, nor should it be. Then show them a healthy, positive way to respond to those mistakes.
Creating a Safe Place for Expression:
Establishing a safe place for a child to express their thoughts and fears can be really helpful. Encourage open communication without judgment from an early age, allowing the child to share their struggles related to perfectionism. A safe space can be created at home and in a school setting (if needed), fostering trust and a supportive environment for the child’s emotional well-being. I would recommend making a safe space for the expression of feelings in an area of the home that isn’t the child’s bedroom.
Guiding Children Through New Experiences:
Introducing young children to new skills and activities provides an opportunity to challenge perfectionistic tendencies. Engage in activities together as a family, emphasising the process rather than the end result. Whether it’s a new sport, a board game, or a creative endeavour, celebrating the effort and perseverance involved can instil a healthier approach to tackling new tasks. And once again, there are multiple opportunities during all of these activities for adults to make lots of healthy mistakes in front of their children!
Encouraging Constructive Criticism:
As children grow older and enter into the top end of primary school and on to high school, they need to learn the importance of constructive criticism as a tool for personal growth. Instead of focusing on the wrong answer, parents and teachers should try to highlight the opportunity for improvement. By fostering a positive outlook on feedback, children can learn to view criticism as a stepping stone toward progress rather than a reflection of personal failure.
Empowering Young Minds Through Literature:
For young readers, introducing the concept of overcoming perfectionism through literature can be helpful. Utilise picture books that emphasise the value of effort, resilience, and embracing mistakes. Engaging stories can provide relatable examples and role models, helping children understand that the journey of personal growth is filled with both challenges and triumphs (and that triumphs often result from previous failures). Check out these links for some ideas for titles to try:
https://www.thehighlysensitivechild.com/7-great-books-about-perfectionism-and-making-mistakes
https://www.soaringwithsnyder.com/2019/02/15-great-picture-books-to-help-children.html
https://www.slj.com/story/celebrate-imperfection-27-titles-for-young-children
Seeking Professional Help: The Impact of Perfectionism on Mental Health:
Most of the time, a few simple strategies implemented early in a child’s development by their parents and caregivers can be enough to stop perfectionism from taking hold. However, if a child’s perfectionism becomes a big deal and significantly impacts their daily life, seeking professional help is essential.
A family doctor or mental health professional can provide valuable insights and strategies to support the child’s emotional well-being and can make referrals if needed. While professional guidance can be particularly important for children who are extreme perfectionists, parents should be aware that even less severe perfectionistic tendencies, if left unaddressed, can have long-lasting effects on a child’s mental health.
Recent studies highlight the connection between perfectionism and mental health issues such as OCD, anxiety and depression, particularly in high-achieving individuals. Addressing issues of perfectionism early on can prevent the development of destructive perfectionism, so if you’re at all concerned about your child in this regard, don’t delay in seeking professional help. Perfectionism in children is something that needs to be taken seriously and as always, the earlier the intervention, the better.
Conclusion
Helping young children overcome perfectionism involves a multifaceted approach that combines awareness, understanding, and practical strategies. Recognising the signs of perfectionism early on, fostering a growth mindset, and creating a supportive environment are crucial elements in guiding children toward a healthier relationship with achievement. By embracing a positive outlook on effort, resilience, and the ‘power of yet’, we can empower young minds to navigate the challenges of perfectionism and embrace mistakes and failure as an essential part of living a rich and fulfilling life.
Further Links and Resources
https://www.twinkl.co.uk/teaching-wiki/growth-mindset
https://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/grownups/help-your-child-try-new-things
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